Sunday, December 1, 2013

embracing the breakdown

I remember the one and only time I cried at boot camp rather vividly.  I had missed a class the week before and was trying to make it up - four classes in five days for a relatively unfit girl.  I don't even really remember what I had been asked to do.  All I know is my body said "Yeah...about that.  I'm just going to make you cry instead. Cool?" It was humiliating, of course.  Michelle came over and said something pretty baffling: "This is a good thing."

Fast forward a few years, and I'm sitting on my couch, sobbing to my husband, "I don't want to get fat again."

Ah, the meltdown.  Your body's way of sending you a pretty strong message: Something has to change.  I've been switched from "losing weight" brain to "becoming strong" brain for a while now.  That's the funny thing about losing weight though - if you aren't thinking about it, it might stop happening.  Or the opposite might happen.  
I think I knew I was off-track.  The pants were a little tighter, I got sick (and I rarely get sick), and I just didn't feel that great about myself.  It was only a matter of time before the floodgates opened.  

Here's the thing about those breakdowns, though - they are exactly what we need.  It's that message you can't ignore, that signal that you have to stop whatever the hell you're doing (that you know you shouldn't be doing but you've been doing anyway), that brick wall that you smack into.  "Enough is enough, get your shit together."

I started this blog almost a year ago knowing that these days would come.  These days when I would lose sight of the end goal and get caught up in mini-cupcakes and "I'm not feeling good." Where is the girl full of piss 'n' vinegar? She's in there somewhere.
Clearly I'm not "fixed." I don't really know if I'll ever be, or if I need to be.  We all have our struggles and this happens to be one of mine.  I keep telling myself this is what "normal people" do - they see their weight change and they work out a little more and stop buying the ice cream and they're fine.  I guess it just feels like more to someone who's seen the snowball roll down the side of Everest.  

I was avoiding a post. I felt ashamed of my progress (or lack thereof) and I didn't want to admit it. But now I am.  And it's okay - I've had the meltdown, I've had the ugly crying fit, and it's time to put on my big girl panties and deal with it.  And no, I'm not waiting until January. Why the hell would I put off something this important to me? 

Not pictured: Big girl panties.
(From Greatist.)

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